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Dave Harris's avatar

I was an educator for 40 years - 20 years teaching mathematics to middle school students and 20 years in teacher education. And my wife is currently teaching math to 7th graders as I write this comment. Teaching has been equated to being an emergency room physician. You do not get to select what kind of patients you will treat, and you are constantly triaging between minor issues and real emergencies. Yes, there are horrible teachers, but when I work with new colleagues to the profession, I share this quote from Pat Conroy - "Bad teachers do not touch me; the great ones never leave me. They ride with me during all my days, and I pass on to others what they have imparted to me. I exchange their handy gifts with strangers on trains, and I pretend the gifts are mine. I steal from the great teachers. And the truly wonderful thing about them is they would applaud my theft, laugh at the thought of it, realizing they had taught me their larcenous skills well.”

Thank you for the post!

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Midge's avatar

“I wish I could ask, ‘Why didn’t you read to your child?’ or” why aren’t you better at limiting screentime, or “‘Did you not know what parenthood involves?’”

I value teachers and teaching, regularly expressing gratitude for my kids’ teachers, and expecting my kids to do the same. But being generally inculcated with virtuous parental ambitions can’t prepare you for the specifics about the particular children you will have — and, if you’re the one bearing them, the bodily changes that may come with that.

Before childbearing, I was offered a post at Teach for America, but upon gaming out whether I could reliably get medical care in that location, and how I’d cope (especially with the long drives involved) if I couldn’t, I regretfully turned it down. And health problems that were manageable for me before childbearing became unmanageable after.

My last baby was a lockdown baby. We finally caved and got our kids screens during lockdown: we needed an electronic babysitter to get anything done around the house we were all stuck in. And yeah, screens are vampires: once you invite them in, they’re *in*, and none of my pathetic futzing around with electronic parental controls ever yielded a workable result. (ABCMouse, for example, which I had at first hoped to restrict the kids to, crashed so much on us as to be unusable.) We do still physically confiscate the screens, though not as much as we should. And reading…

The commanding personality kids actually listen to often seems out of my reach when I’m sick and exhausted, which, postpartum, is most of the time. When kids turn reading time into pillowfight time, the pillowfights often win — my efforts to get my kids to sit still and *listen* to my reading often backfire. When I say, “Do you treat your teachers this way when they read to you? I know you don’t, and shouldn’t. Your parents deserve no less respect,” my kids know I have a point. But they also don’t care much — not because they’re bad kids, but because they’re human, and disinclined, as humans are, to regard apparent nonentities.

My nonentitude was the price of bearing kids to begin with.

And I’m not special. My problems may be more medical than average, but I doubt they’re *more* than average. I worry that my parenting compares poorly to the median heroin-addicted mom’s, and sometimes it probably does (a kid who needs you can’t afford to care whether you’re passed out from drugs or from poor symptom control). But more likely, my parenting is within the realm of “most people” in “[I]f you have standards for the minimum morally acceptable parenting, and you would like humanity not to slowly go extinct, these standards must be achievable by most people.”

https://thingofthings.substack.com/p/moral-standards-for-parenting-need

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